[TAG NICK] "It's just a place I'm looking for. We might as well be strangers in another town..."

[warble_on_jeff]

Who: Jeff Hinton and Nick Matheson
Where: The beach
Time of Day: Late afternoon/early evening
Open or Closed: Closed

Jeff couldn't say that Kurt didn't warn him that Nick here wasn't the same Nick he knew. He couldn't say that he didn't realize that might mean that Nick wouldn't remember that they had been a couple. And honestly, he couldn't even say that there wasn't a part of him that wondered if Nick had found someone new on the island. But there was that optimistic part of Jeff that hoped that maybe his boyfriend had waited for him. That was until he and Kurt had come across Nick and Quinn kissing not far off the beach. For a moment, it was so surreal that Jeff hadn't known what to say, but he'd stood there gawking, in complete shock for a bit longer than he should've, before turning to Kurt and asking him to get him to wherever the fuck he was supposed to be going.

That night, once checked into his room, Jeff had honestly gone to pieces. It was too much. Too much to see the love of his life in someone else's arms, holding them, looking so... happy with them. But for it to not only be someone else, but someone who was a friend in the real world. Someone they both cared about as Kurt's best friend and hag. And then there was the whole added fact that Kurt was fucking dead, and had died on his wedding day... Fucking murdered on his wedding day. Who the fuck would be so evil as to kill someone on the happiest day of their life?

It had been a day or two of just hiding in his room before Jeff had finally come out of his shell to go back down to the beach, needing more than anything just to have some peace and quiet. As he sat on the beach, quietly watching the waves with his arms crossed and resting on his knees, Jeff spotted Nick a little way down the beach. Not all that far away, but he was focused on a drawing he was working on. The blonde's first reaction was to just go away... Just go back to his room and hide away again, but as long as they were both on this island, he needed to face Nick. And sooner rather than later would be best.

So with a deep breath to strengthen his resolve, Jeff rose from the sand, dusting off his shorts, before walking over to Nick. "Hi, Nicky," he said softly, trying to keep his voice from quivering.

Comments

[warble_on_jeff]

"Oh," Jeff replied quietly, feeling like he really should say something else, but not knowing exactly what it should be. Maybe he needed to accept that all of this was just the way things were here, like Nick said. Maybe he had no choice but to just realize that he wasn't Nick's other half here. He hadn't been a part of Nick's life for ten years as far as the other man was concerned, and that realization hit him like the force of a meteor hitting earth. With that realization, Jeff actually bit down on the inside of his jaw so hard he tasted blood to keep the tears from coming on. He couldn't help but take a shred of hope from the statement that Nick and Quinn weren't ready for the next step. Maybe he was grasping at straws -- he probably was. Nick had been with Quinn for a few years, and hadn't seen Jeff in ten years. Ten fucking years. Why would he wait around forever for Jeff when he didn't even know what had happened between them after that crazy night? "Quinn's great. I knew her and Kurt were really close back in school. I'm glad they've got each other here."

Wide-eyed, Jeff looked up at Nick, burying his toes in the sand absentmindedly. "You... You saw him when he was hurt? Or after he was in the hospital? I'm honestly still trying to wrap my head around all of this. I'm sorry... I know I have to be frustrating you. I'm just... In the time that I left, you were... about the same age as you are now. But you'd had a whole different life than the life you have here, and the memories that I have of you aren't... aren't your memories at all." He couldn't think too long about any of this right now, or he'd end up a weeping snotty mess right here in front of Nick, and that would just suck beyond belief. Instead, he was tucking all of this away, and later on, in his room at the resort, he'd probably lock himself in and cry his eyes out for hours. But for now, he'd just converse like this was relatively normal. "I'm glad you weren't alone," Jeff replied. And that was true. This place was intense enough for an adult. Trying to imagine being a kid here was scary, and even more so with the thought of being alone and not having any of your friends and family around.

"I think I'd get curious," Jeff replied. "ADHD would kick in and I'd have to know everything. But then again, maybe it would be better not to know certain things. I mean... I don't know what I mean... I just... I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make no sense, ba... Nicky." Shit. He'd almost slipped up there, and fuck -- he couldn't do that. He just couldn't. It was only going to make things harder and more complicated.

[nickthewarbler]

Nick nodded, once again looking at the ocean and taking peace from the soft lapping sound. It grounded him, it always had done. He was an artistic person and when he had first arrived here, he spent hours on end painting or drawing on the beach to process the fact he was stuck here and couldn't get home to everything he knew. Even though he was here now and had been for years, coming to thrive on the island and be content with his life, when he first arrived, he really struggled with homesickness and confusion. It was just hard to explain that to Jeff, or to anyone really, because Nick had still been a kid. It was a unique experience and he had never understood why he had come so young and no one else but Quinn really did. Why him? It never made sense. Still didn't. "Yeah, she's amazing. We connected over the same issues. Things are just different here. I know I keep saying that, but you'll eventually see for yourself. There's a different dynamic, you cherish people in different ways. I mean, Kurt's sort of like a brother to me here. I was never as close to him back home."

He gathered up a handful of the warm sand and smoothed it out in his palm to trail his fingertip through it in a circle pattern. "I saw him when he was hurt. I was down here on the beach when he arrived. He was... it was blood everywhere. His wedding suit was a pale colour. Grey, I think. I can't specifically remember, and it was hard to tell what. He has wedding photos in an album in the bungalow. But it was just blood-soaked, he looked dead. Plus, he was an adult. The Kurt I last saw was the one leaning over Blaine on the parking lot floor after the slushie. Kurt here is, well, you'll see what I mean. He's gorgeous, tanned even. He manages the gay nightclub here and also has his own designer label of couture clothing. People pay craploads for his stuff because they're all custom-made. But he's different to the Kurt you would know back there. Not having Blaine, he's just different. There's something constantly masked about him."

"A lot of people do get curious. I just never did. I never experience growing up back there so I didn't see the point in knowing." That's when he stopped and he looked at Jeff quietly. "We're together back there, aren't we?" Maybe it was too much too soon, and he didn't know what was telling him this, but there was just something deep inside where he knew what Jeff wasn't saying and this was the first time he had ever asked anything of his adulthood back home. He let the sand slip through his fingers and then brushed his palms off, not sure if he even wanted to hear the confirmation or not now he had asked.

[warble_on_jeff]

The awkwardness of the whole scene was really getting to Jeff. He'd never handled awkward very well, usually ending up trying to talk more to escape the awkward, but in turn making it that much worse. He was getting the distinct feeling that the more he talked, the worse he was going to make things here, and he didn't really know how to respond to that. This was Nick. He had never in their entire time of knowing each other struggled to know how to talk to him, except for the period of time that had apparently led to Nick's arrival here. After they'd slept together for the first time, when both of them had shared a room, but almost actively avoided one another because neither of them knew what to say. After everything had gone down with Blaine, they'd realized quickly how damn important it was to keep from fucking things up further with anyone they cared about. That had been what led to the talk that would more or less become their defining of the relationship as what it went on to be. "You just... you learn to appreciate people more because they're all you have, huh? You treasure what you have because they're the people who matter the most."

"I... I saw him here," Jeff offered, glancing over at Nick before his eyes returned to watch the waves lapping at the sand. "I never thought I'd see Kurt Hummel with a tan, but I guess the beach does things for a guy. I just... I can't imagine what that must have been like. How scared he must've been... How scared you must've been. He forgave us all, you know. Even Sebastian. He's kind of friends with us all these days. You probably wouldn't even know him. He misses Blaine a lot. I knew that as soon as I got here. I was getting ripped a new asshole from the second I got here for not being Blaine. But he kinda recovered and ended up helping me out a lot. But you're right. There's just... It's like there's a card that he just won't lay on the table, no matter what.

Nothing really could've prepared Jeff for the question that Nick asked him then. He'd been so careful, trying to avoid bringing anything up that would directly implicate the fact that they were a couple back home. Nick had just said he had never really seen the point in knowing where his life had gone, and as painful as it was for him, Jeff had been willing to leave it at that for the sake of the love of his life. But then Nick was fucking asking, and when Jeff opened his mouth to answer, there was no sound. The best he could do was just offer Nick a very small, nearly imperceptible nod of his head before he turned his face away, forcing himself to focus on some kids playing in the sand a little way down the beach so he wouldn't completely lose it.

[nickthewarbler]

"Sort of. I more just meant that you value different things here. Everything is so contained and somewhat isolated, that you miss home but you also learnt very quickly what you took for granted back there. What mistakes you made, what regrets you have. They don't become amplified here, but you have a renewed sense of knowing you have to make a fresh start here because it's not home. Everything is different, the people are different. The lessons you learn are different. You'll start to understand what I mean very soon," Nick promised.

He gave a little laugh. "It took him a long time to tan. He's still not a fan of being out in the sun, but the weather here is generally always sunny, save for some bad days here and there. You get tropical storms and rain. It never snows, hardly ever gets cold. Probably why I love it so much," he added with a smirk. "Seriously, though, I'm not really surprised to hear any of that. The guys that have come here, most of them are adults from that era. I can see how far people have come from what they have told me. Which is why to hear about Kurt's murder, it makes it all seem like a such a waste. And maybe why we've all ended up here at the end of the day."

Nick looked away too once Jeff did. He looked in the opposite direction and just really didn't know what to say. There was always a part of him that wondered if anything ever came of that night they spent together, but he never quite convinced himself it did. He always just assumed they never thought about it again and moved on in their lives to stay best friends but end up with other people. But there had been something in the way Jeff was talking, the way he was wording things, edging around something. Nick was a cluey sort of guy. He had always been in tune to people. Something just told him this was what was going on, and it was the first time he ever needed confirmation of anything back home. He didn't know what that meant, and it scared him. "I'm sorry," he soon mumbled, at a loss of knowing how to cope with this.

[warble_on_jeff]

"Because no matter how many people are or aren't here from home, it's still a different life..." Jeff reasoned, looking down at the sand and burying his toes a little deeper in. The waves rolled in and washed out, and Jeff was acutely aware of Nick's presence, despite every attempt at focus. "It's like being in witness protection or something, only with some wonky time warp aspect. I swear, this would make a hell of a movie. But I would've liked it a lot better as that... A movie. Not my freakin' life." Still, his frustration wasn't getting him anywhere, and was probably just going to make things uncomfortable if he didn't stop. "Sorry," he said softly, shaking his head. "I'm not usually like this... Just... I'm struggling with it, Nicky. I know it's gonna be fine. I really do. I'll get used to it and find my way. It's just blowing my mind big time right now. I trust you, though. I'll find my feet with it. Eventually."

The talk about Kurt and tanning brought a smile to Jeff's face though, and he even laughed himself, if only just a little. "I can see him when he first started here... He probably rocked some kind of fabulous hat with a wide brim, and lots of sunscreen, yeah? Oh, yeah... You and cold have never gotten along. Once a Floridian, always a Floridian. Back at Dalton, you used to bundle up in this huge coat, and I swear, you always looked like an Eskimo with your hood closed over your face. It was hilarious. But everybody's going to be different here from home. It makes sense, though. If it were just like home, it wouldn't change anything at all... You might as well just be home."

If he hadn't been listening carefully, Jeff wasn't sure he even would've heard Nick's words. But as it was, he was carefully focused on hearing the other man's voice, and he caught the words before the breeze off the sea blew them away. This changed the whole thing. Jeff had finally begun to slowly make himself realize that he couldn't tell Nick anything about home... That he had to let go for the sake of the man he loved and the happiness he'd found in Jeff's absence. And then Nick had asked that question, and no matter what he'd said then, his face would've given it away. "Don't... don't be sorry," Jeff said quietly, shaking his head. "You don't have a reason to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't... I wasn't here. What were you supposed to do?"

[nickthewarbler]

Nick shook his head. "No. Well, yes, but that wasn't the direct point. No matter how many people who are here from home, we're not the people from home," he explained, looking down at his toes buried in the sand. "Back home, you have... home. All those home things that influence and shape who you are. But at some point in time that is different for all of us, the island has intercepted that timeline and those influences to bring us here. It's like a giant roadblock that has disconnected you from getting to moments in your life back home that shaped you and made you. You come here instead and it's a whole new set of experiences and influences that start to build on who you are if you're here for any length of time. Just arriving here impacts. Back home, you stay exactly the same, you leave the island, you go back to the exact moment you left without any memory of being here. But while you're here, from this moment on, you become a different you. It's your chance to time out on the you back home. You come here with your home memories, whatever it was that brought you here, and from there on, you start differently. We all still love each other here, and we're all still close friends, but it's not the same as it would be back there... and back there, well, it doesn't matter here because we can't bring any of that here with us." At Jeff's next thought, Nick just nodded and made a hand gesture for emphasis. That was exactly his point right there.

"I am sorry, though. Because I understand what it's like. I don't want you to think that I'm completely devoid of sympathy for you being shoved here to a place where nothing is the same. I just..." He paused, frowning as he thought over what it was he was trying to say. "I was one of those sorts who never asked much about back home because it didn't feel like me. It was me, but it wasn't this me. I didn't grow up and have any of those experiences you did that led you and... and me to whatever place we are together back there. We were only best friends when I came here. We had... there was that drunk night, but that was it. That was nearly ten years ago. That's ten whole years of stuff you have that I don't, Jeff. I have a different ten years to you. I have... I have ten years without you. Think about that for a moment. I know this is hard for you and confusing and a lot to get your head around, but just stop for a moment and look at it from my point of view. Ten years... no you, no us, no BFF."

[warble_on_jeff]

"You're not the Nicky I know," Jeff reasoned, grabbing handfuls of the sand as if trying to somehow ground himself to the beach and accept that this was his life right now, at least for the time being. "Nobody is the person I know. I think I get that, but it's kind of hard to wrap my mind around. You look just like the Nicky I left back home... Well, I mean, except your hair's longer, and you're more tanned. Kurt's different. Everyone is, really. I do get that. I know I do in a way, but on the other hand, it's a matter of looking at you, and realizing that you're the same person, but at the same time, you're not. It really is an alternate reality, and I never thought those really existed. I thought it was just something in the sci-fi books and movies. So your whole life changed and you came here, while I kept living my life with you there? That... I believe you, Nicky, but it's really hard to make myself totally understand, if that makes sense."

Jeff's eyes were really trying their damnedest to well up with tears, and he was fighting it like hell. He didn't want to fall apart on Nick when this was the first time Nick had seen him in ten years, even if he'd seen him only a few days ago. So he was quiet, trying to keep his calm and listen instead of freaking out, which would've been all too easy to do. But this wasn't the time or place for that. It wouldn't help anyone, least of all him or Nick, and he did have to realize this was just as strange for Nick as for him, it not more, because this was the first time he'd ever really found out anything major about his life after the point where he'd come here. "The... the drunk night was what started it all," Jeff said softly. "I don't... I'm trying to imagine the last ten years of my life without you, and I just... I can't even think that way. It hurts too much. I wish... No. No, there's no point in wishing things were different when they're not. I'm sorry." He paused, looking down at his left hand and imagining it with a prominent wedding band on the ring finger. He could've had that if he hadn't been such a dick. He'd still be at home with his Nick, and everything would be normal. He didn't really know where to go from here. He swallowed hard against the urge to just break down in tears, and looked at Nick quietly. "Ten years..." he repeated with a shake of his head. "Ten years without your family, and with friends from all different points in their life... Nicky, I'm sorry. I wish I knew where to even start with all of this. I mean... Do you even want to know, or is it easier if you don't? I swear, I'm not here to get between you and Quinn. I won't. I'm not that kind of guy."

[nickthewarbler]

Nick sucked on his lower lip and eyes were back to the line of the horizon in the distance as he gave a shake of his head. "Nope," he had to confirm, but it was quietly and guiltily. But why did he feel guilty? It wasn't his fault he had been brought here at sixteen before anything between him and Jeff really progressed. The guilt that he had been riddled with over walking away from Blaine that night he had the slushie thrown at him had been enough to bring him here and keep him here. That wasn't his fault. Once you got here, everyone had to learn to wear the very reason that brought you here because that was why you were here to begin with. But he knew without having to verbalise it that the reason hew as feeling guilty now was because being different meant Jeff was probably going to hurt over it, and that would be the last thing in the world he would want. It was completely out of his control, however, and as a result, that hurt him too. Since getting here on the island, he hadn't really explored his sexuality all that much. He knew he was bisexual, just knew deep down in his heart, but he hadn't acted on it. Other than Jeff back home before he was sucked here, he hadn't slept with any other guys. He had visited Aquatique a few times, and danced with some guys, but mostly he had just gone to visit Kurt who managed it. Since he started dating Quinn, as to Nick's romantic loyalty, she was the only one he had eyes for since. "We're different, but the same. It's a weird concept. Maybe a more accurate way to explain it is we are innately the same, as personality, but different as to life experiences and how they impacted on us. Life shapes you, but inside, you're still you. That's what people are like here. For me, I've been here for ten years, so I had to grow up here and I grew up doing things way different to how I would have done back there. Kurt's no doubt the most different of all of us, but without Blaine, he's not the same person. Blaine built such a distinct part of him, that without it, he is different. He's lost a light no one has ever been able to coax back into him. No one but Blaine can."

He could see that Jeff was visibly upset and a lump formed in his throat to witness it. What he would give to not hurt Jeff, but he had no other choice here. He couldn't just snap his fingers and be the Nick Jeff wanted and needed because he didn't know who that other person was or what made him who he was. He put his arm around Jeff's shoulders and gave him a soft, gentle hug so he could at least show him that their friendship could still be there if they wanted it. It might take a bit of work, but he was sure it could be. "I just think for now, for me, it's better to not know. I'm pretty much already riddled with guilt that I can't somehow change it for you and I don't know how I would cope hearing the full story. I've heard enough to understand where you stand here, and I really am sorry that you need to go through this. But we're a strong group here and we help each other get through it. Plus, back there, a lot of pain and loss is left that here we get a new chance to live without. I know it's going to take a lot and it will be time, but we can still be friends, right? I... I never honestly thought I'd see you again. Ten years is a really, really long time to wait for someone and them to just... never arrive."

[warble_on_jeff]

Jeff just watched Nick quietly, the way the other man's eyes scanned the horizon and the coast in front of them. Nick had always loved the beach. He was a Florida boy, born and raised, despite his very European heritage. Jeff could remember so many times the two of them had visited Florida with Nick's family, both before and after they hooked up, and they'd just enjoyed the beach... There was even one time that they'd made love on the beach at the private portion that belonged to a friend of Nick's family. It had been Nick's idea, and there was some sand involved, but the blanket they'd used had kept the discomfort to a minimum, and it had ended up becoming one of their most special memories. They had so many good ones on the beach, from the romantic, to the exciting (when Nick had taught Jeff to surf, for example), to the most simple. The beach had held so many of their special moments, and now here they were... on another beach, in another place and time where Nick wasn't his at all, and Jeff was trying like hell to make sense of all of this. He didn't want to be that obnoxious little kid throwing a hissy because he wasn't getting his own way. It just still was taking him time to wrap his head around it. That there was actually a world, a world he was in now, where Nick wasn't his other half... Where Nick hadn't even seen him in ten years. That was a hard thing to swallow on many levels, especially the whole side of things where he had just come from a world where he and Nick lived together... shared their lives with each other every single day. This wasn't something that was going to be easy for Jeff by any means. But he was just going to have to learn to deal. "I can't even imagine coming here as a kid... spending part of your growing up years here without your folks. Did they have people that you could at least kind of... go to for guidance or something? Friends that were older or anything like that? I can't even imagine Kurt without Blaine, but I think I saw at least the beginnings of what you're talking about when I got here."

The touch from Nick, while well-intentioned, only hurt that much more. Jeff didn't want it to be that way. But how did you go from only a few days ago sharing your life with someone on every level -- sharing your home, your bed, your body, heart, and soul -- to a friendly hug with that same person, only he was with someone else and hadn't seen you in ten years. It was just a mindfuck that Jeff was going to need time to figure out. Even the hurt that came from Nick's hugging him like that couldn't stop Jeff's arm from snaking out and wrapping around the other man's waist, needing just for a moment to feel that connection to him, even if everything was different now than it had been then. "Nicky, I don't... I don't want you to feel guilty. It's not your fault, okay? I don't hold it against you or think you suck for not just... being who you were back home to me. That's not your fault." And then Nick was asking if they could be friends, and Jeff just stared at him for a moment, not really meaning to. Could they be friends? Just friends? After everything Jeff had experienced on his end of things? Part of Jeff wanted to say no. But there was a bigger part of him that needed the connection with Nick, no matter how it came. And how was it fair to deny Nick his best friend when he hadn't done anything wrong? So he nodded slowly. "Of course we can still be friends. You're... the best one I've ever had. I can't imagine if it was me here for ten years without you. I'd have lost it."

[nickthewarbler]

Nick nodded and bit down on the inside of his cheek to tell himself not to start crying. It had gotten easier as he got older, but he still missed his family and what he had left behind at home now and again. He had been here so long that he could never be sure anymore if he would go back. Not that he would remember behind here if he did, but none of his family had come here to-date, so he wasn't sure if he would ever seen them again. And he had missed Jeff, he really had, but now like he had always suspected, Jeff had come but from a very different time to where Nick was from and whatever Jeff had grown up with, Nick had no awareness of it. It could make things really hard and awkward, but he was determined to not let it. All the other guys from home made their differences work, why wouldn't Nick and Jeff? It was just that added difficulty that there had been some sort of relationship to them and Jeff had the memories, but Nick didn't. It was somewhat comforting to hear they must have finally gotten their act together back there when Nick wasn't sure he would ever have the balls for it, but here? Here he had grown up on the island, and he was happily dating Quinn. It was different, so their friendship was going to take some time to build-up. Jeff would need to learn the island, adjust to it, and they would need to get to know each other all over again. "Everyone here will help guide you. We all have been in your shoes, which you need to remember. It's just like any other place, though. There's a hospital, doctors, therapists. You name it. If you need professional help, it's there, but people are friendly here. Most will help, though like any place, you'll get your shady characters. All sorts live here."

He sort of winced a little and shrunk back under Jeff's gaze at his question. There was distinct hesitation and it was understandable, but it was all Nick could offer for now. He didn't know this Jeff, and in turn, Jeff didn't know who he was anymore now he had grown up. He didn't think he had changed that much from when they were younger, but he had definitely grown up a lot. "You adjust. And you will. You'll wake up one day and just realise this is like home." He cleared his throat, not wanting to make anything more awkward than it already was for now. They could catch up again... when they had time to process the where the dust was settling now. "It's getting a little late, I really should get back up to the resort. I've been trying to help Quinn out as much as I can because Kurt's sort of fallen into a deep depression after Mercedes came and told him that back home, Blaine committed suicide. Kurt thinks that means he'll never come. It's just... a bit of a mess. I... shit, I'm sorry if you didn't know what about Blaine. If you want to talk, you can just give me a call or drop by." He wrote his phone and resort room numbers down on a bit of his sketch pad and tore it off to give to Jeff. "Just take some time to let things sink in, but I'm always around. Or I work down at the gallery in town."