[TAG SANTANA, BUT OPEN] "Love, when you're in pieces. There's no one left to dry your eyes."

[gotstarpower]

Who: Mercedes Jones and Santana Lopez (also open)
What: Letting the pain set in
Where: The Resort, by the pool
When: Post Blaine's arrival, but no one is aware yet

Mercedes was still trying to find her feet on the island. It probably wasn't helping that since getting here, there was so much unrest and confusion with Kurt and all their friends. No one knew how to take any of this, and Mercedes knew that her showing up with news of Blaine's death had crushed them all. Especially Kurt. All they had been able to do was sit there in the audience while he tried to sing that song and watch as his heart broke all over again. She had been trying to contact him by text and phone, even email and Facebook, but it all went unanswered. Quinn couldn't even tell her how Kurt was doing, because she didn't know.

It was nice to have familiar faces here, and nice to know they were in a place where Kurt was alive, but without Blaine, was it even worth it? How was she supposed to get used to living in this strange place when her beautiful BFF was in so much pain? She went to the bar to get a drink, thinking that it couldn't hurt to have one or two, but she eventually ended up taking her glass outside and found a little deserted table right up the back corner well away from any of the passers-by.

She sat down alone and was going to try texting Kurt again from her new island cell, but she decided not to this time. She had tried all day and maybe he just needed to be alone right now. It was nearing 7pm, and as awful as it was, maybe alone time to try and get her head around everything was exactly what Mercedes needed too. So why did it feel so miserable? Without even realising, she was tearing up, sitting forward with her arms resting on the tabletop as she let the tears come all over again. How had their lives back home gotten so heartbreaking and tragic? It was never supposed to end like that.

Comments

[have2justbeme]

Santana gratefully took the tissues from Mercedes, trying to wipe up streams of tears rolling down her cheeks. There were days in the past she'd let herself believe that maybe it was all a bad dream... That Blaine and Kurt were both okay, and she'd just had a horrible, long nightmare. But deep down, she knew it wasn't true. And now, she got the sickening feeling that Kurt wasn't going to hold on much longer without Blaine. She had no idea how the hell to handle that. She and Kurt had gotten very close over the years, and she'd more or less become the hag to Blaine's fag. And to watch her dear friends suffer the most horrible of fates was something that had very nearly killed her, too. She glanced over at Mercedes with a nod. "I know... I knew when I went. But I had to feel like I was at least trying to do something... anything that might help fix things. But there was no fixing it. Not without Kurt there. No fucking way. He was our driving force. He's the glue that held us all together. Without him there, it was... It was hopeless. Nothing would ever go back to how it was supposed to be, because he was supposed to be there."

"Yeah. They did," Santana admitted quietly. "I think keeping Blaine going was the only thing that kept most of us going. Our lives just fucking fell apart on us, but most of us kept fighting because we were hoping we could save Blaine... But there was no saving him, and maybe there was no saving us, either. Blaine and Kurt... They taught me so much about how to be myself, how to live proud of who I was and stand up for myself without being a total cunt every time. And then, everything they deserved... All the beauty that was waiting for them in married life? It just got ripped away from them. It wasn't fair. It was fucked up. There was nothing any of us could've done, but I still feel so goddamn guilty, 'Cedes... I still... Fuck..." She hid her face in her hands for a long few moments, shaking her head in exhaustion. "Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing. This island is amazing, but... Without Kurt and Blaine being together? It feels... It feels stupid and pointless... Like a waste of space." Still, she had to give a small nod of agreement to Mercedes. "You're right. There are enough secrets in this place without us adding to them by keeping them from each other. We're all we've got... Just like always."

[gotstarpower]

Mercedes jut lowered her eyes, still grieving over what she had witnessed with Blaine's death. She wasn't even sure she had even managed to move on from Kurt's, so it was like double the impact. They would have been the last two people Mercedes pegged to die young. She always saw them in her heart as growing old together, exactly like in The Notebook, how Kurt always professed it would be. Then all of a sudden they were both gone, and no one even had a chance to understand life without Kurt. Now she had been brought to the island to discover Kurt was here with his second chance, but not Blaine. It made no sense. "I... I told Kurt what I knew, but I wish now I hadn't. He seemed like he was keeping his head above water the best he could. But he asked me, and I ain't ever been able to say not to that boy. What if he can't get over hearing 'bout Blaine's death? If Blaine could do it back home because he couldn't live without Kurt, maybe Kurt can do it here?"

"You know the strangest part 'bout losing Kurt? We had all been so determined to get outta Lima. We needed it like air. We were gonna do it, we were gonna love life and make something of ourselves. He was right up there leading the charge too. Then he was... gone. And it just tethered us all to Lima like wouldn't couldn't go because it felt like we were leaving him. At least, that's how I felt. Blaine never went without Kurt either. Puck stayed for Blaine. A lot of us stayed. Quinn left, but she always sorta had a tendency of flight when the going got tough. But now we're all here, and Blaine still ain't. I just wanted him die, and I feel like I gotta grieve, but everyone is all from different times here and it's screwing with my damn head. Plus, it's killing me inside to know it was me who sent Kurt into that crushed and broken mess we saw at the Karaoke bar. How do we get through any of this when one of our biggest pieces is still missing?"

[have2justbeme]

The knowledge of what she and Mercedes had experienced was something Santana had struggled with for a long time. She'd been here all this time, lying through her teeth about where she came from, because she'd been... afraid? grieving herself? guilt-ridden? None of those particular explanations could entirely explain it away. It was more of a mix of all of the above. "I know, babe. I know that no one in this fucking world wanted to be the person to have to tell Kurt that Blaine was... Was gone. I didn't have the balls to do it. I guess in a way I owe you an apology for leaving that alone so that you ended up being the one who had to break the news. I should've done it forever ago and saved you the heartbreak. I should've... done a lot of things that I didn't do. And I just don't... I don't know how Kurt will deal now... He might not be okay, and I don't know how any of us will do with losing him again. We can't. It's too much."

"I know what you mean," Santana replied, exhaustion setting in, and coming out in her voice. "I couldn't go. It was like we were all clinging to each other like that would somehow bring him back... Like we thought the combined effort of all of us would pull him right back to life if we just... Fuck, I don't know. It doesn't make any goddamn sense, but it's how it was. We need Blaine here. And I don't know if he's ever coming. But if he doesn't, I think Kurt's second chance to live really isn't worth all that much to him. He needs Blaine. We all do."

[gotstarpower]

"I guess me showing up all right from when Blaine died has stirred everything up for you after you tried to just keep it hidden," Mercedes murmured in realisation. It had to have been near impossible for Santana to try and keep all that to herself. First, everyone was from a different place, so trying to analysing if there was even someone she could tell had to be hard enough. Then to look at Kurt - one of her best friends - knowing his husband hadn't ultimately made it either had to have been awful for Santana. Mercedes gave Santana's hand another comforting squeeze, showing her she wasn't alone. "I wouldn't have been as strong as you. I never really hid my feelings as well as you and Kurt did, and I guess that got me into more trouble than anything over the time. I even caved as soon as he demanded to know because I'm weak. I told myself I wouldn't tell him after Puck filled me in that Kurt had been trying to survive for two years without Blaine... waiting for him."

"I... I know if you come from when you're dying, you can't go back. I don't know. Maybe a year down the track we'll have a suicidal, empty Blaine show up on the beach? I hope we don't, though. Towards the end there, Blaine was gone completely. It was just his shell. He had no light, no shine in his eyes, no laughter or happiness left in him. Kurt's Blaine was gone. If that Blaine comes here? I don't even think he will be well enough to fix. If he comes, I hope it's from before then, from a time we have a chance to bring him back to the sweetheart Kurt fell in love with," she said quietly, sighing. This was hard, and it was like her head was constantly aching right now.

[have2justbeme]

"Maybe just a little," Santana admitted, taking a sip of her drink. It was the damned truth, but regardless, she was glad Mercedes was here. As painful as it was to relive the whole thing, it was a relief to have someone here she could admit the awful truth to. She'd kept it on the hush for so long... buried it deep down inside to the point that it had scarred her, whether she wanted to admit it or not. Kurt had been a lot of things to her over the years, one of them being her best friend, and often her biggest rival. But no matter what he had been to her, there was no way she ever could've prepared herself for this. For having to carry the secret that his lover, his best friend, his husband... His whole world was so lost without him that nothing would ever be the same. How the hell did you look someone you loved in the eye and tell them that the person they loved more than life itself was dead? What must Mercedes have gone through in having to tell Kurt that? It broke her heart. With a tired sigh, Santana squeezed the other woman's hand right back. "Maybe you were right to do it, though," she said softly. "Maybe I was wrong to lie."

"God... I don't think there would be a shot in hell of bringing Blaine back if he came like that," Santana said, her voice pained and broken. "He was so... So broken. He wasn't our Blaine. He hadn't been since Kurt took his last breath. We need him, 'Cedes. We need Blaine, and I can't... I can't accept that this fucking island can't see that. We need him here... Kurt needs him here, and I can't fucking believe that he was brought here for a second chance so he could drown in the misery of not having the one person he gave every part of himself to and loved beyond all sense and reason. It's... How does that make any fucking sense?"

[gotstarpower]

Mercedes shook her head. "You didn't lie. You just didn't reveal. From the way I hear it, Kurt's survival tactic on the island without Blaine was his hope Blaine was gonna come. It didn't really matter when, but if he could wake up each day hoping that today might be the day he does get here, Kurt could keep getting up each day. Sometimes we gotta have something that keeps us going. Back home, it was trying to take care of Blaine that kept us all going, because we made some sorta unwritten pact to Kurt that we would if he couldn't. It's why I never left Lima. As long as Blaine stayed, I was gonna too. But we failed. It was out of our hands, because Blaine just didn't wanna go on without Kurt. He didn't have that hope that Kurt was going to come back like Kurt had for Blaine here. I just hope I ain't made it impossible for Kurt to keep waking up each day now. He's gotta still believe there's a chance Blaine might come."

She shook her head. "None. I think the whole workings of the island would just impact on his psychological strain. Kurt being alive here could well drive him crazy." She put her hand over her face and sucked in a shaky breath. "Lying on that stretcher, we knew he was gone. They worked on him the whole drive to the ER in the ambulance, and they they hooked him up to all these things when they got there and kept going, but it was no use. Puck held his hand the entire time until they shoved us away to get him into the the little bay where they do all the work on the critical patients. We could see it through the glass windows. And then they just... stopped. Turned the monitors off, disconnected the tubes and the wires. He was just... gone. Just like Kurt was that night. But they didn't even try with Kurt. Even the ambulance drove away without the lights or sirens."

[have2justbeme]

"I was lucky in a way... I wasn't there when he actually died, and when I came here to the island, it was from Blaine's funeral, so I was in the middle of this quiet somber moment. Nobody could tell what had happened, and when I found out what people did and didn't know, I just figured it was better for everyone if they didn't have to hear what happened to Blaine. Maybe I was wrong. And it probably wasn't really my right to make that choice for everyone anyway. Everybody's entitled to information, especially where it concerns them. It wasn't my place or my right to decide that they shouldn't hear the truth. I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I'm not sure... I keep hoping he'll show up. I never met anybody here who committed suicide in the real world. I don't know if that means that they don't come here, or if I just haven't met anyone yet." She sighed heavily, the exhaustion of keeping a secret like this for so long finally hitting her fast and hard.

Her shoulders slumped after a moment, and she just buried her face in her hands for a moment, trying to pull herself together. She remembered that she'd been planning, after the funeral, to talk to Mercedes about what happened. It had been a horrible thing, all of them at a loss because, with Kurt's death, Blaine had already died years before. Maybe not physically, but in every other possible way. "'Cedes... I don't know what we'll do if we lose Kurt here, too, just like we lost him at home. But I don't know how much time we have before he gives up on living at all."

[gotstarpower]

Mercedes shook her head. "That's not lucky. Knowing that is not lucky, especially coming here and learning that Kurt has no idea about it. It's still blowing my mind that he's even here. I wanted to pin him down and check his pulse, even if he was standing there looking at me. Just, coming right from Blaine dying and landing here to be told Kurt did die, but only back there and he's still alive here, but there's not Blaine. Why can't the world just realise they're meant to be together? It doesn't matter damn well where they let them be together, but why keep tearing them apart like this? I dunno how Kurt has even gone this long waiting, either. I ain't ever really experience true love I don't think, but I can't even imagine how it could be to have it and then have it ripped all away from you. It's why I guess that, even though it was awful to witness, it wasn't really surprising when Blaine died. His heart already shut down the day we lost Kurt and how can anyone really live without your heart functioning? Which I guess... it means Kurt's heart is still functioning on something here. Hope, maybe? What if I've ruined all of that?"

"I... how has he been here?" she asked uncertainly, her voice wary because she was scared of the answers. "He's been here two years Puck said, how has Kurt been? What has he done to get him through this far? Can we help him keep doing that?"

[have2justbeme]

"There are some people who think that the island brings you the people you need at the right time. But I think it's bullshit. Because Kurt has needed Blaine since day one. How do you fucking arrive on an island with multiple holes in you, and not need your goddamn other half to be there for you? It's bullshit." Santana had never fully gotten over her anger at the island for not bringing Blaine to Kurt already. It wasn't right seeing Kurt live every single day without Blaine. "I guess. It has to be hope, because he hasn't got much of anything else left."

"Lost," she said slowly, running her finger along the bumps in the table. "Lonely. He's started smoking and drinking heavily. He's losing hope though, Mercedes. He's losing the belief that Blaine might come, because it's already been so long. It's hard to keep believing at this point. I don't know how much longer he can hold on... Or if anything we could do will help."

[gotstarpower]

Mercedes didn't have the answers. She hadn't been on the island for very long and there was still a large piece of her convinced this was all some weird dream she was going to wake up from. She just knew she didn't want to wake up because that would mean she was back in reality where Blaine had just committed suicide and Kurt had been dead for five years. That wasn't a reality she wanted to go back to. The bigger part of her was happy to be here on the island forever where Kurt was alive and breathing. But the big question mark over whether Blaine would come here or not and from when he would come, but maybe that was all the lesser of two evils? "But... back there, it's worse. I know it's probably easy to get all angry 'bout the fact Blaine ain't here, but... back there? They're both gone, and the world ain't a very nice place no more. Maybe the island doesn't bring you people you need, maybe it just brings you to the people you need at the time you need them most? He's got his life here, which he ain't got back home and won't ever get back at home."

She shook her head. "Probably not. Lasting as long as he has without Blaine is probably a feat in itself. Blaine didn't last out back home. They gotta be together, they don't work without each other. If Kurt wants to sabotage his second chance here 'cause it's too painful to live without Blaine, it probably ain't something we can stop. Maybe now I ruined it all telling him Blaine ain't made it back home, I crushed his hope. I think you were right now telling him. I just dunno if I can sit back and watch him die all over again. I ain't ever managed to deal with it the first time."